And so it goes. Whatever the shaky equilibrium was before the recent blow out seems to have been restored by my call and willingness to just go along. It seems that all my mom wants is an audience to her drama and her stories, the movie she has in her head about herself, the one that doesn't match real life. Somehow she believes that she is doing the right thing, and she's hysterical enough to do or say any crazy thing to prevent anyone from talking reason to her. She doesn't care who she hurts or steps on, she doesn't care how much craziness she creates for everyone else, or the ruin, whether real or threatened. She leads me to believe they are all going to be homeless right away unless someone saves them, and in the next conversation we have she says they have 30K in savings. She does this to all of us, she does this to doctors, she does this to waiters, she does this everywhere she goes, to everyone around her. I'm in crises and you must fix it and I'll keep screaming at you and belittling you until you do. On the phone she launches into screaming at me and belittling me - its a regular occurrence for her, like breathing. It's all an emergency, all the time. Doug is going to die at any moment, Scott is suffering, and it's a constant emergency. And if I don't respond with equal hysteria there is supposedly something wrong with me. I'm bludgeoned into writing a letter to that evil monster Doug, and I'm pressured to supplicate myself to that evil thing while he is excused and condoned for his nasty, horrible, crazy behavior, because he misses me and cries and on and on. It's so sick and twisted, it's really hard to describe because when I try to get close enough to it again to describe it, I feel ill. I struggle with the thought of writing a book about all this because even though I think it would make a fascinating read, though disturbing and ultimately sad, when I think about having to think about this stuff more than I already do, I cringe. I think about it in bursts, when I have to, when something happens like this recent blow up or whatever other nutso incident that happens, so that I can try to figure out how to respond. But even thinking about it never helps anything or anyone, least of all me. It just stirs up all the sickness that this is. I try and try to make sense of it but that doesn't help because it doesn't make sense. It is truly sick and really evil. The stuff that comes out of Doug's mouth, and the fact that he has kept this going for so long, is utterly sick and evil. The fact that none of them can see any of this for what it is, is part of the sickness.
They're playing "The Godfather" on the tee vee lately, and I actually watched it for the first time. I don't know how I have not ever seen it until now; probably because I don't particularly like films that are about killing, and men with huge egos, and men with big egos who kill other men with big egos, and bla bla bla. Just shut up and go away, is my reaction. Yes, it's a great film; well written, acted, directed, shot, and everything else. I can see why it's so revered. But I have this reaction probably because I grew up with boys with big egos who fought all the time, who became really sick men with big egos who fight all the time. No thank you. And now that I've seen this film I do see many parallels. I scratch my head sometimes about my mother. I honestly don't understand how she can get behind these monsters, condone their behavior, and force them onto everyone else. But maybe she is merely like one of the characters from "The Godfather", where men with big egos reign over everyone else and are glorified for no good reason. None of it ever made any sense to me. It's all just so much idiocy that all I ever wanted to do was to just get away from. And luckily I did find ways to do that; I found a wonderful, happy, fruitful, fascinating world of ideas through reading, in college, and all sorts of other ways, to occupy my thoughts and find direction in the world. Just like in "The Godfather", my family still has its tentacles that find their way to pull me in again from time to time, and I have to find ways to extricate myself. It really feels like I have these two choices; go my own way and be healthy but be alone with no family, or, have family but be entwined in all this sickness. And these two choices are very real.
Mar 2, 2012
Feb 19, 2012
Bad Cake
Since the last episode I hadn't heard from my parents at all. I wrote my Dad a few emails and received no response. So I guess I would have to be the one again to bite the bullet and break the silence. Which I finally did today.
It was an upsetting conversation again, of course. Dad was sort of ok, and more understanding than Mom, as usual. Mom of course, as usual, launched immediately into her twisted, insane, guilt-mongering, martyrdom, yelling at me, blaming me, and making it all my fault. She is just horrible, and doesn't come up for air, and then of course after all that drama has to hang up in a huff. Thankfully Dad stayed on the phone, and so I was able to at least get a little bit of reason in there. How far in it went, I don't know, but I suspect that as usual, not all that deep. He does live amidst all that insanity, and has nearly no backbone to speak of. So whatever sanity I might have introduced, I'm sure it dissipates as soon as I'm off the phone and mom goes into her martyrdom routine again.
Mom wails that Doug feels abandoned. And he's so sick, and he's probably dying, and on and on. And then so of course it's all about him, and I can't say anything, because he gets to be excused from any accountability. And mom gets to yell at me and to make it all about me, and how awful I am, supposedly. What a witch.
So they both agreed that I should write a letter. And I will, just because yes, I do forgive all this, and I actually do want it to stop, and the only real way to make it stop is to heal it, which is what I actually want to happen. The thing is, I've tried this many times before, and it hasn't worked. It just invites more vitriol from Doug on to my head again. And he doesn't stop. But just because my parents really are in dire straights, and out of respect for the fact that they are my parents, yes, I will write a letter.
But of course Mom lit into me again for going to my Aunt's for the holidays. So, she still just doesn't get it. Or, she blames me for it. I think she is as insane as Doug is sometimes. Well, where else would he get it from? She wants to guilt me into coming there for the holidays, which is basically throwing me to the wolves. Sorry, no. I will not do that. And fxck you for wanting to throw me to the wolves. And fxck your guilt games, and martyrdom, and insanity. No. No more.
Whenever any of this comes up, our conversation ends up being about what I should do about Doug's behavior. What I want them to understand is that it isn't up to me for Doug to change his behavior. It is up to Doug to do that, if he can. It's important for them understand that the behavior is Doug's and not mine. I'm doing all I can to not participate.
Doug is mentally ill. It is not my fault that he is doing what he is doing. It's really important that they understand this. He's done the same thing to others, but for some reason has stopped harassing Bob, and Aunt Carole, and others that he's done this to. For some reason he can't seem to stop with me.
Yes, we were close as children. We were close as adults too, but only as long as I went along with him on everything, and never disagreed, and never did anything except to be his helpmate, clean up after him, give him money, give him a place to live, repair the damage he left in his wake, and be co-dependent with him. The moment I disagreed with him in any way, or the moment I stopped being his shadow and doormat, his vitriol was swift and severe.
He is like Dr. Jeckell & Mr. Hide, and I cannot trust which one he will be at any given moment. He seems to save up all his nastiness just for me. The only time I see a good side is when he is briefly nice for a moment, just so that I'll stay on the phone long enough for him to launch into me again.
They are giving him some sort of treatment for this rare disease they think he has. This is the latest among a very long list that has accumulated over these past 7 years or whatever it's been, that they are convinced is "IT", the thing that is wrong with him. I don't believe this one either. There is only one aspect of it that fits, and the rest of it doesn't fit. But they are giving him this very expensive treatment anyway, because they are convinced this is it and because of course they are desperate at this point. But the treatment isn't working. And so the explanation for that sounds really insane. Because this weird rare disease is probably not what he has.
I can't talk to them about any of this. Mom is out of control with this medical insanity, dragging everyone along with her. I think the main problem is that Doug is mentally ill. But I can't say that. If I do, mom goes off the deep end. And she lives in the deep end.
Pure insanity. Now they are talking about taking him to Denver, to the National Jewish center of all places, which was poophead's former place of employment another lifetime ago. Of course they can't afford to do this. And if you ask me, it's probably totally misguided.
How do I watch them all go down the tubes? They won't listen to me. They just direct all their bile at me. And then they will get to blame me when things go wrong too, I'm sure. If Doug dies, I know my mom will blame me for it. That seems to be already baked into the cake.
If I could, I would remove my parents from Doug's care, and get him the best psychiatric care that money could buy. I think that would be the right path. But who knows.
It is not my fault though. I think the reason why they direct all their bile at me is because I'm the only escapee from the mom cult.
It was an upsetting conversation again, of course. Dad was sort of ok, and more understanding than Mom, as usual. Mom of course, as usual, launched immediately into her twisted, insane, guilt-mongering, martyrdom, yelling at me, blaming me, and making it all my fault. She is just horrible, and doesn't come up for air, and then of course after all that drama has to hang up in a huff. Thankfully Dad stayed on the phone, and so I was able to at least get a little bit of reason in there. How far in it went, I don't know, but I suspect that as usual, not all that deep. He does live amidst all that insanity, and has nearly no backbone to speak of. So whatever sanity I might have introduced, I'm sure it dissipates as soon as I'm off the phone and mom goes into her martyrdom routine again.
Mom wails that Doug feels abandoned. And he's so sick, and he's probably dying, and on and on. And then so of course it's all about him, and I can't say anything, because he gets to be excused from any accountability. And mom gets to yell at me and to make it all about me, and how awful I am, supposedly. What a witch.
So they both agreed that I should write a letter. And I will, just because yes, I do forgive all this, and I actually do want it to stop, and the only real way to make it stop is to heal it, which is what I actually want to happen. The thing is, I've tried this many times before, and it hasn't worked. It just invites more vitriol from Doug on to my head again. And he doesn't stop. But just because my parents really are in dire straights, and out of respect for the fact that they are my parents, yes, I will write a letter.
But of course Mom lit into me again for going to my Aunt's for the holidays. So, she still just doesn't get it. Or, she blames me for it. I think she is as insane as Doug is sometimes. Well, where else would he get it from? She wants to guilt me into coming there for the holidays, which is basically throwing me to the wolves. Sorry, no. I will not do that. And fxck you for wanting to throw me to the wolves. And fxck your guilt games, and martyrdom, and insanity. No. No more.
Whenever any of this comes up, our conversation ends up being about what I should do about Doug's behavior. What I want them to understand is that it isn't up to me for Doug to change his behavior. It is up to Doug to do that, if he can. It's important for them understand that the behavior is Doug's and not mine. I'm doing all I can to not participate.
Doug is mentally ill. It is not my fault that he is doing what he is doing. It's really important that they understand this. He's done the same thing to others, but for some reason has stopped harassing Bob, and Aunt Carole, and others that he's done this to. For some reason he can't seem to stop with me.
Yes, we were close as children. We were close as adults too, but only as long as I went along with him on everything, and never disagreed, and never did anything except to be his helpmate, clean up after him, give him money, give him a place to live, repair the damage he left in his wake, and be co-dependent with him. The moment I disagreed with him in any way, or the moment I stopped being his shadow and doormat, his vitriol was swift and severe.
He is like Dr. Jeckell & Mr. Hide, and I cannot trust which one he will be at any given moment. He seems to save up all his nastiness just for me. The only time I see a good side is when he is briefly nice for a moment, just so that I'll stay on the phone long enough for him to launch into me again.
They are giving him some sort of treatment for this rare disease they think he has. This is the latest among a very long list that has accumulated over these past 7 years or whatever it's been, that they are convinced is "IT", the thing that is wrong with him. I don't believe this one either. There is only one aspect of it that fits, and the rest of it doesn't fit. But they are giving him this very expensive treatment anyway, because they are convinced this is it and because of course they are desperate at this point. But the treatment isn't working. And so the explanation for that sounds really insane. Because this weird rare disease is probably not what he has.
I can't talk to them about any of this. Mom is out of control with this medical insanity, dragging everyone along with her. I think the main problem is that Doug is mentally ill. But I can't say that. If I do, mom goes off the deep end. And she lives in the deep end.
Pure insanity. Now they are talking about taking him to Denver, to the National Jewish center of all places, which was poophead's former place of employment another lifetime ago. Of course they can't afford to do this. And if you ask me, it's probably totally misguided.
How do I watch them all go down the tubes? They won't listen to me. They just direct all their bile at me. And then they will get to blame me when things go wrong too, I'm sure. If Doug dies, I know my mom will blame me for it. That seems to be already baked into the cake.
If I could, I would remove my parents from Doug's care, and get him the best psychiatric care that money could buy. I think that would be the right path. But who knows.
It is not my fault though. I think the reason why they direct all their bile at me is because I'm the only escapee from the mom cult.
Feb 2, 2012
My Evolving Garden
I've had my wee house for about 10 years now (holy moly, that blows me away), and have slowly been improving things bit by bit. It's been slow, because I don't have a ton of disposable income. So I do a little bit here and there, as I can. But it's all adding up, which is great. And I love that I've been here long enough to see some of the fruits of my labor, literally and figuratively.
When I first moved in, the back yard was nothing but large swaths of concrete and weeds, and falling down rotting fences. Here is a diagram:
So I got to work. I had some help with the heavier work - some guys jackhammered the concrete into chunks, and used those for pavers. There was a pile of rubble under the big ash tree when I first moved in - it was mostly rocks and brick - so, that got used to make the raised beds along the back fence. I put in new fencing all the way around. Replaced the patio. Brought in lots of topsoil, compost, mulch, and the like. Put in a sunken fire pit - this is the one thing that I wish I hadn't done, and now I'm thinking of removing it or modifying it in some way, because now what I want to do in that area is to put in keyhole raised beds for veggies. This is something that I learned from a book called "Gaia's Garden", which demonstrates this as the best design in terms of space efficiency and for providing easy access to tend to your veggies.
The other major part of all this is to expand the garden shed into a multi-use little building which could serve as a painting / art studio and also allow guests to sleep over. Since there is electricity and plumbing (sort of) already there, the rest of it should work out pretty well. There just isn't a lot of space to work with, but I've finally come up with something that I think might actually work.
Along the way I became a fruit geek and so the plan evolved around the goal of trying to fit as many fruit trees as possible into my yard. Now I'm at the point to where I must remove some existing trees in order to put in more fruit trees! This is a good thing though, since the trees I'm removing are Privots. Privots are horrible - they are invasive, fast growing, and make uncountable babies all over the place. I'm told that even once a Privot is removed, and stump is hacked out, the roots underground will continue to send up suckers for years. So, I'll have some built-in anger management therapy in my yard. If I ever feel the need to hack away at something, the evil remnants of the Privots will provide the fodder.
I hope to, at some point this winter or spring, put in the streambed that I've been fantasizing about for forever. This will be designed to be a real stream during the rainy season, and a dry creek bed during the rest of the year. It will have pebbles and rocks, and native grasses and wildflowers. It will meander through and will help with drainage. I'm thinking about mini-bridges and stepping stones. And it will tie in with a pond that I would really love to add. I put in a pond in my house in Colorado, and absolutely loved it. I built a waterfall and added koi and water plants. It was lovely and so much fun. Since my new dog Kali doesn't really like the water, I think I can have a pond now. My previous dog, Miso, would have destroyed it.
And, on my list is a hot tub as well. Sigh. Well, bit by bit, I'm getting there. And then what? What happens once it's all done? Hopefully it will never be done. My favorite thing in the world is to putter.
When I first moved in, the back yard was nothing but large swaths of concrete and weeds, and falling down rotting fences. Here is a diagram:
 |
| Before |
The other major part of all this is to expand the garden shed into a multi-use little building which could serve as a painting / art studio and also allow guests to sleep over. Since there is electricity and plumbing (sort of) already there, the rest of it should work out pretty well. There just isn't a lot of space to work with, but I've finally come up with something that I think might actually work.
 |
| After |
Along the way I became a fruit geek and so the plan evolved around the goal of trying to fit as many fruit trees as possible into my yard. Now I'm at the point to where I must remove some existing trees in order to put in more fruit trees! This is a good thing though, since the trees I'm removing are Privots. Privots are horrible - they are invasive, fast growing, and make uncountable babies all over the place. I'm told that even once a Privot is removed, and stump is hacked out, the roots underground will continue to send up suckers for years. So, I'll have some built-in anger management therapy in my yard. If I ever feel the need to hack away at something, the evil remnants of the Privots will provide the fodder.
I hope to, at some point this winter or spring, put in the streambed that I've been fantasizing about for forever. This will be designed to be a real stream during the rainy season, and a dry creek bed during the rest of the year. It will have pebbles and rocks, and native grasses and wildflowers. It will meander through and will help with drainage. I'm thinking about mini-bridges and stepping stones. And it will tie in with a pond that I would really love to add. I put in a pond in my house in Colorado, and absolutely loved it. I built a waterfall and added koi and water plants. It was lovely and so much fun. Since my new dog Kali doesn't really like the water, I think I can have a pond now. My previous dog, Miso, would have destroyed it.
And, on my list is a hot tub as well. Sigh. Well, bit by bit, I'm getting there. And then what? What happens once it's all done? Hopefully it will never be done. My favorite thing in the world is to putter.
Jan 28, 2012
More fruits and nuts
I love where I live, and I love that I can grow so many things here. It truly is paradise on earth, as far as I'm concerned.
Went to the scion exchange - this is the second year I've attended. I'm so excited to get stuff in the ground and to do some grafting. I now have quite a smorgasbord of fruit that will be coming in, and I'll even have almonds as well. Still researching other nuts that might work - mostly though, nuts are not such a great idea since they are much better done in an orchard, where the trees can get big and produce enough nuts to make it worth your while. In thinking about protein, I'll be much better off growing beans than trying to grow nuts.
I love seeing all the farmer and gardener types that show up at the exchange. People of all ages with dirty fingernails and windblown rosy cheeks. Everyone is seriously geeking out on fruit. There was a wonderful spread of many different fruit butters, chutneys, and salsas for tasting as well. And even a bit of citrus tasting too, though the bulk of citrus stuff happens in summer.
And I may have found a solution for my strangely non-flowering pomegranate. It's been in the ground now for quite a few years and is very healthy but has never ever flowered or fruited. So, low and behold, there are scions to be had for this too. The ones at the exchange were thin and dry, so I didn't partake of those, but at least I know what to do now. Apparently there are some very interesting varieties that I can graft onto my tree.
Yum yum yum! So excited!
PS. Major geek out - here's what I will have in my wee not-yet-a-homestead:
Apple - bell flower, cripp's pink, golden russet, gravenstein, karmijn de sonnaville, splendor, tydeman's late orange
Peach - baby crawford, indian blood (cherokee), red baron
Pear - d'anjou, orcas
Cherry - lapins
Plum - weeping santa rosa
Almond - all-in-one
Avocado - bacon
Lemon - meyer
Orange - valencia
Pomegranate - wonderful (?)
Went to the scion exchange - this is the second year I've attended. I'm so excited to get stuff in the ground and to do some grafting. I now have quite a smorgasbord of fruit that will be coming in, and I'll even have almonds as well. Still researching other nuts that might work - mostly though, nuts are not such a great idea since they are much better done in an orchard, where the trees can get big and produce enough nuts to make it worth your while. In thinking about protein, I'll be much better off growing beans than trying to grow nuts.
I love seeing all the farmer and gardener types that show up at the exchange. People of all ages with dirty fingernails and windblown rosy cheeks. Everyone is seriously geeking out on fruit. There was a wonderful spread of many different fruit butters, chutneys, and salsas for tasting as well. And even a bit of citrus tasting too, though the bulk of citrus stuff happens in summer.
And I may have found a solution for my strangely non-flowering pomegranate. It's been in the ground now for quite a few years and is very healthy but has never ever flowered or fruited. So, low and behold, there are scions to be had for this too. The ones at the exchange were thin and dry, so I didn't partake of those, but at least I know what to do now. Apparently there are some very interesting varieties that I can graft onto my tree.
Yum yum yum! So excited!
PS. Major geek out - here's what I will have in my wee not-yet-a-homestead:
Apple - bell flower, cripp's pink, golden russet, gravenstein, karmijn de sonnaville, splendor, tydeman's late orange
Peach - baby crawford, indian blood (cherokee), red baron
Pear - d'anjou, orcas
Cherry - lapins
Plum - weeping santa rosa
Almond - all-in-one
Avocado - bacon
Lemon - meyer
Orange - valencia
Pomegranate - wonderful (?)
Jan 25, 2012
State
Listened to the state of the union... sheesh, what an eyeroll fest.
Why must there always be so much idiotic rhetoric about god and guns? It's so sad and disappointing that we still have such collective stupidity, and that we're supposed to go along with this sentiment because we "support the troops" or whatever.
No. I do not support the troops. I do not support war. I do not support people who kill. Fxck the troops, in every color and stripe. And fxck those who give orders to troops, everywhere. And fxck world leaders who pay so much lip service to killing, and try to make it sound heroic. It is not heroic. It is idiocy, in its saddest form.
Just shut up about it and do something useful instead. Make something. Build something. Create something.
DUH.
I don't want to hear any more about how heroic we are because we go around the world killing and messing with so many people and places everywhere. And the subtext about Israel was just disgusting. And then there's all the god crap. Oh boy, am I a curmudgeon today or what? Oy.
But even as a young person, I had this reaction. It just strikes me as so much macho ridiculousness. We're all supposed to hold up this behavior as some sort of good thing, and it gets passed along from generation to generation through the ages. That this way of thinking is somehow a good thing that we're all supposed to just accept and pass along and participate in. No. It is not a good thing.
It is destructive and hurtful and wasteful. Just think about how much thought, energy, resources, time, and everything goes into perpetuating all of this war like stuff that goes on the world over. If women merely said - "cut that shxt out or I won't ever have sex with you again you idiot", maybe these boys might stop it and do something more useful and creative instead..? Well, the heterosexual ones anyway...
I don't hate men. I think men are affected by this kind of thinking, just as much as women are, and it takes some effort and awareness on their part to reject this kind of thinking and to be in the world in a different way. And of course not all men are like that, so no, of course I don't hate men.
I'm just so sick of hearing this sort of rhetoric. Especially when it is spewed on national TV like that, from a leader who is doing it just to appear tough and to get some nods from war mongering idiots.
Sigh.
I am so impatient for something else. I am so sick of hearing this same kind of stuff. I wonder how much of this Obama really truly believes deep down - I mean him personally, as a human being? It is all so much theater. The delivery, the wording, the rhetoric, the pandering, the lies...
Meanwhile, the economy crashes, the fat cats take it all and the rest struggle and sink, the earth wheezes and is slowly losing the battle to repair itself after so much exploitation and abuse... the tiny ants that crawl all over her, building forts and jabbing sticks at each other, eating all her fruit and throwing refuse around, farting and burping out CO2 and toxins and strange chemicals, just making a big putrid mess. Here and there are little tiny islands of health and thriving gentle creatures that nourish and replenish and breathe with her. But these islands are tiny and far and few between, and she is gasping.
Why must there always be so much idiotic rhetoric about god and guns? It's so sad and disappointing that we still have such collective stupidity, and that we're supposed to go along with this sentiment because we "support the troops" or whatever.
No. I do not support the troops. I do not support war. I do not support people who kill. Fxck the troops, in every color and stripe. And fxck those who give orders to troops, everywhere. And fxck world leaders who pay so much lip service to killing, and try to make it sound heroic. It is not heroic. It is idiocy, in its saddest form.
Just shut up about it and do something useful instead. Make something. Build something. Create something.
DUH.
I don't want to hear any more about how heroic we are because we go around the world killing and messing with so many people and places everywhere. And the subtext about Israel was just disgusting. And then there's all the god crap. Oh boy, am I a curmudgeon today or what? Oy.
But even as a young person, I had this reaction. It just strikes me as so much macho ridiculousness. We're all supposed to hold up this behavior as some sort of good thing, and it gets passed along from generation to generation through the ages. That this way of thinking is somehow a good thing that we're all supposed to just accept and pass along and participate in. No. It is not a good thing.
It is destructive and hurtful and wasteful. Just think about how much thought, energy, resources, time, and everything goes into perpetuating all of this war like stuff that goes on the world over. If women merely said - "cut that shxt out or I won't ever have sex with you again you idiot", maybe these boys might stop it and do something more useful and creative instead..? Well, the heterosexual ones anyway...
I don't hate men. I think men are affected by this kind of thinking, just as much as women are, and it takes some effort and awareness on their part to reject this kind of thinking and to be in the world in a different way. And of course not all men are like that, so no, of course I don't hate men.
I'm just so sick of hearing this sort of rhetoric. Especially when it is spewed on national TV like that, from a leader who is doing it just to appear tough and to get some nods from war mongering idiots.
Sigh.
I am so impatient for something else. I am so sick of hearing this same kind of stuff. I wonder how much of this Obama really truly believes deep down - I mean him personally, as a human being? It is all so much theater. The delivery, the wording, the rhetoric, the pandering, the lies...
Meanwhile, the economy crashes, the fat cats take it all and the rest struggle and sink, the earth wheezes and is slowly losing the battle to repair itself after so much exploitation and abuse... the tiny ants that crawl all over her, building forts and jabbing sticks at each other, eating all her fruit and throwing refuse around, farting and burping out CO2 and toxins and strange chemicals, just making a big putrid mess. Here and there are little tiny islands of health and thriving gentle creatures that nourish and replenish and breathe with her. But these islands are tiny and far and few between, and she is gasping.
Jan 23, 2012
Between a rock and a rock
At the new years ritual gathering, one of the roles that I brought up to get feedback on was "scapegoat". I don't like that word but I do think that is an accurate one to describe my role in all of this harassment stuff that's gone on with Doug for the past 4 or 5 years or so. But the feedback was unanimous in not liking that word, and so we picked "rock" instead. I hadn't gone into all the details for them, so they were unaware of the harassment part. But I do like "rock" better. I don't like the whole idea of, or even the naming of, victimhood. Because that's the last thing that I actually want to be. And it is THE thing that I want to find a way to not be.
Suggestions were that I try out some scripts for when I talk with my parents. A "scapegoat" script and a "non-scapegoat" script. How do I do that? Because I don't know of any alternative to what I've been doing, which is that I listen politely and I say simply that I just want Doug to stop doing what he is doing, and that I love him but I don't love what he has been doing, and his behavior is unhealthy, etc. Well, except for the most recent episode, when I actually got angry for once. But, how does this make me a victim? For 99% of the time, I do all I can to remain calm and factual, while insanity swills around my neck. Perhaps the feedback that I got about all of this was misplaced because they didn't know about the harassment part.
At this point though, I don't think I can honestly say that I love him. Truth be told, right now, I really hate him. But I know that this feeling, or emotion, is very toxic, and I don't want it in me, I don't want to feel it, and I don't want to actually feel that way toward my brother. I want to be able to forgive, but I think that will be much easier now that I've found ways to prevent his nastiness from seeping into my life. It really has been like having a creepy stalker for 4 or 5 years straight. And on top of that, being blamed for it.
So, seriously. How does anyone not be a scapegoat when they are being made a scapegoat? Answer me that please. I really want to know how to do that.
Doug sent a letter. I openend the envelope but then I stopped myself from pulling it out to read it. I haven't read it and I don't think it is a good idea that I do. I can predict that it's probably full of all the same insane nastiness that he's been blasting at me all these past 4 or 5 years or so. So, I've blocked him in every possible way, but I didn't think of the US mail. The words "no" and "stop" just mean nothing to him.
This "rock" is done. I should throw that letter away, or burn it. No more of this. I've sent you down the river and burned you once already.
Suggestions were that I try out some scripts for when I talk with my parents. A "scapegoat" script and a "non-scapegoat" script. How do I do that? Because I don't know of any alternative to what I've been doing, which is that I listen politely and I say simply that I just want Doug to stop doing what he is doing, and that I love him but I don't love what he has been doing, and his behavior is unhealthy, etc. Well, except for the most recent episode, when I actually got angry for once. But, how does this make me a victim? For 99% of the time, I do all I can to remain calm and factual, while insanity swills around my neck. Perhaps the feedback that I got about all of this was misplaced because they didn't know about the harassment part.
At this point though, I don't think I can honestly say that I love him. Truth be told, right now, I really hate him. But I know that this feeling, or emotion, is very toxic, and I don't want it in me, I don't want to feel it, and I don't want to actually feel that way toward my brother. I want to be able to forgive, but I think that will be much easier now that I've found ways to prevent his nastiness from seeping into my life. It really has been like having a creepy stalker for 4 or 5 years straight. And on top of that, being blamed for it.
So, seriously. How does anyone not be a scapegoat when they are being made a scapegoat? Answer me that please. I really want to know how to do that.
Doug sent a letter. I openend the envelope but then I stopped myself from pulling it out to read it. I haven't read it and I don't think it is a good idea that I do. I can predict that it's probably full of all the same insane nastiness that he's been blasting at me all these past 4 or 5 years or so. So, I've blocked him in every possible way, but I didn't think of the US mail. The words "no" and "stop" just mean nothing to him.
This "rock" is done. I should throw that letter away, or burn it. No more of this. I've sent you down the river and burned you once already.
Jan 21, 2012
New Year Ritual
I attended a wonderful New Year workshop and ritual gathering thingie today. This was led by my friend and former Syracuse classmate David Delp. He's been putting together workshops and has created an entire suite of tools that help people to get focused on what means the most to them, to achieve the goals they really want to achieve, and so on. He used to call it "designing a balanced life" but now has revamped it, adding new tools, into Pilot Fire.
Today's New Year workshop was well timed; I've really been needing exactly this. I got so much out of the exercises we did. I wrote a bunch of things that upset me or were challenging in the past year, on individual slips of paper. I also wrote a bunch of things I was proud of as well. Then, one by one, all of us took turns voicing what we had written on our slips of paper, and burned them. It seems so simple and maybe even trite, but somehow, the act of saying these things out loud, with witnesses, made them, and made the ritual, powerful. My upsetting ones were things like; Doug's harassment. Mom and Dad's complicity. Dad hanging up on me. Things I was proud of; Quitting smoking. Becoming a master gardener. Adopting Kali. Finding local employment that I feel good about. And so on.
The ritual was that we listed, acknowledged, burned, and then let go of these things. We did a visualization that I really liked a lot too. Standing beside a flowing river. Looking down the river, letting go of those things to be burned. Good bye. And looking up the river, to those things that will become. A new year, a clean slate. Permission to stop dwelling and move forward.
We imagined someone giving a speech about us at our 80th birthday. I imagined Aunt Carole standing up to say that she appreciated my strength in all of this family stuff I've been dealing with, and that she was glad to be a trusted friend.
We explored our roles and the people who meant something to us in those roles. Some of mine were "future lunatic farmer", "artist", "rock", "adventurer". As each of those roles, we wrote "before I die I want to"... and then, "this year I will". And then, a more immediate "to do", that could be done right away.
I especially like the roles that become doable actions. In this way, you get focused and specific right off the bat, and you end up with a bunch of little things that you will actually get done, because they are just little baby steps. You completely avoid the typical overwhelming and overly ambitious new years list that never gets done.
Thank you David and the rest of the attendees. It was a great day with lots of openness, sharing, feedback, ideas, and positive action. Thank you, it was just what I needed!
Today's New Year workshop was well timed; I've really been needing exactly this. I got so much out of the exercises we did. I wrote a bunch of things that upset me or were challenging in the past year, on individual slips of paper. I also wrote a bunch of things I was proud of as well. Then, one by one, all of us took turns voicing what we had written on our slips of paper, and burned them. It seems so simple and maybe even trite, but somehow, the act of saying these things out loud, with witnesses, made them, and made the ritual, powerful. My upsetting ones were things like; Doug's harassment. Mom and Dad's complicity. Dad hanging up on me. Things I was proud of; Quitting smoking. Becoming a master gardener. Adopting Kali. Finding local employment that I feel good about. And so on.
The ritual was that we listed, acknowledged, burned, and then let go of these things. We did a visualization that I really liked a lot too. Standing beside a flowing river. Looking down the river, letting go of those things to be burned. Good bye. And looking up the river, to those things that will become. A new year, a clean slate. Permission to stop dwelling and move forward.
We imagined someone giving a speech about us at our 80th birthday. I imagined Aunt Carole standing up to say that she appreciated my strength in all of this family stuff I've been dealing with, and that she was glad to be a trusted friend.
We explored our roles and the people who meant something to us in those roles. Some of mine were "future lunatic farmer", "artist", "rock", "adventurer". As each of those roles, we wrote "before I die I want to"... and then, "this year I will". And then, a more immediate "to do", that could be done right away.
I especially like the roles that become doable actions. In this way, you get focused and specific right off the bat, and you end up with a bunch of little things that you will actually get done, because they are just little baby steps. You completely avoid the typical overwhelming and overly ambitious new years list that never gets done.
Thank you David and the rest of the attendees. It was a great day with lots of openness, sharing, feedback, ideas, and positive action. Thank you, it was just what I needed!
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